Shrinking my head | Confessions of a Lazy Knitter

Bub and I went to visit Amanda and her entourage today. Adelaide is so precious… the cheeks, I just can’t get over the cheeks! Ezra is darling – such a sweet little thing and so flexible (hey, I really admire that in a kid). Calvin was so excited to visit with a new friend. After we’d been there for a bit, he did the sweetest thing, he pulled together a matching outfit like Bub’s (Bub had on a cotton shirt with seams that you could see the stitching and his striped tights on, sans pants). It was absolutely adorable. I think Bub had fun – he was really fixated on figuring out how to climb up into Calvin’s bed without any help, like Calvin. I’m kind of letting him process and I’ll check in with him about it this weekend if he hasn’t mentioned it (he’s like Tig in that way that he likes to process things for a while). Ezra also sent us home with some fine artwork which is now gracing our fridge:

To the left is his monkey. And I’m not sure what the other two are, but the middle one started out with just the orange part and he decided it needed “more color”. Too cute!

I had a lovely time, but after I left I was thinking about it and I feel like maybe I was a bit boring. So Amanda, if you’re reading this, sorry if I was a bit dull today! I promise, I’m not always that logey. I was so tired. It was one of those days where your eyes are just burning and if you stop moving for too long, you really will fall asleep in place.

I was accutely aware today of how much I ‘translate’ for Bub and how little he really interacts with other kids. I realize today was new for him, new people, new house, etc. But I also noticed in Circle yesterday how he really just has his own agenda most of the time. At this point in his life, I think other kids probably don’t notice it, but at some point, they will start noticing. I think it might have been frustrating for Calvin since Bub wasn’t really engaging with him. I hope he didn’t take it personally.

The skein of yarn is still MIA, but I haven’t really looked intensely for it either. I’m in that stuck place… do I start it with the yarn left over from slipper #1 and hope I find it? Do I blow it off and start a whole new project? So rather than do either of those things, I just do nothing and longingly look at my knitting bag occassionally.

And I did some writing today in therapy. I’m really trying to be open to the expressive therapy part of my therapist’s repertoire. I’ve been very very resistant in the past, which in a way is strange because one of the reasons I picked this therapist was because she was into expressive therapy (writing, art, movement). I’m feeling more open about writing in general and feeling like therapy is a good, safe place to get some writing done. I’m debating about posting what I wrote… but thinking I might along the lines of one of my goals for this year… let the writing be terrible and mundane. We’ll see tomorrow.

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Goals

Posted in Shrinking my head on 04.Jan.06| 1 Comment »

At therapy the other day, my therapist asked if I had any New Year’s Resolutions. I told her I don’t do resolutions. I never stick to them and rather than have guilt about it, I just never make them anymore. But she encouraged me to use this time to reflect on the past year and consider some goals I have for the coming year. Okay, I’ll bite.

Be more present and mindful. Have an awareness of my surroundings, the people in my surroundings and really pay attention to them, their feelings, the details. This includes paying attention to the signs I’m getting from the Universe, big and small.
Write more… write regulary… and let the writing be terrible and mundane.
Focus on the process, not the product.
Watch less TV
Figure out a path for financial sustenance and follow it.
Find time to be more creative… again, focusing on the creating rather than the creation.
Listen to my intuition more and go with it.
Conquer my depression without medication
Find a way to parent peacefully and mindfully and be peaceful and mindful with my partner
Be more self-reflective, and less judgemental in that reflection

Hmm… that felt good. My one resolution will be to reflect on this list regularly and not allow myself to feel guilty if I haven’t met my goal(s) – focus on the process.

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